1984-12-18 - Fall Orgo Night
College Library
[band marches in who owns]
Ladies and Gentlemen -- the Cleverest Band In The World, The Columbia University Marching 5000. J. Brian Cohen, head manager, J. Leo J. Koonman-Marching Band Manager, J. Jamie Gavrin-Drum Major Emeritus. And featuring the Spectator in hiatus, the Post in the gutter, WBAI in Ferris Booth Hall, and Mrs. Pulitzer on the trumpet, presents a midnight broadcast of all the campus news you pre-meds missed while you were studying.
[reprise of who owns]
'Twas the night before Orgo
And all through College Library
not a creature was stirring
not even one that rhymes with "library."
All the students were cramming
so they'd be well-prepared
This was no Lit Hum exam
There'd be no essay, no B.S., no merde.
No pre-meds were nestled
all snug in their beds
'cause visions of flunking out
Danced in their heads.
Then out in the hall {OY! VEY! FIGHT!}
There arose such a clatter
It was the marching band;
You eardrums and concentration to shatter.
[band plays loar, lion or whatever]
And now for the news:
After more than a year of construction, Baker Field finally saw the opening of Lawrence A. Wien Stadium -- or at least half of it. Officials still promise that there will be visitor's stands, artifical turf, an al-weather track, and a small hospital. The idea to replace the natural grass with a rug came from President Sovern -- who could use a rug himself.
Despite the new Stadium, the football team finished a disappointing 0-9 record. In fact, most of the scores were as one-sided as the stadium. As a result, head coach Bob Naso announced his resignation, leaving the team to wonder whethertheir new coach will turn out to be a post-Naso drip. The band now salutes your chances of getting into med school.
[Play "Wipeout."]
After much controversy, the University Senate refused to endores a motion calling for total divestment of stocks in South Africa, reaffirming its belief that such investments are beneficial to the country's population. At the same time, the Senate also reaffirmed its belief in Santa Claus, Tinkerbell, the Tooth Fairy, and Reaganomics.
Film Professor Milos Forman's new work, "Amadeus," opened in theatres around the country. Some critics have aclled the film -- which concerns the rivalry between Mozart and Antonio Salieri -- a brilliant portrayal of the animosity between two great artists, while others consider it merely a case of pianist-envy. (Those of you from Barnard can look it up later.)
Saluting this great composer, the band now performs the death scene from "Don Giovanni." (pause) However, due to lighting concerns, we will instead play "The Stripper," led by nubile Drum Major J. Cathy Webster.
[Play "The Stripper."]
This semester, construction of the new addition on Uris Hall revealed the presence of large quantities of asbestos on campus. Health officials told the students not to worry, adding that the fumes in the Business School weren't nearly as bad as in the Organic Chemistry labs. "Besides," said President Sovern, "we're cleaning it up asbestos we can."
Once again this December, the university got into the holiday spirit in a number of ways. In fact, last Friday, the band went to Rockefeller Center and Carolled for hours as thousands of surprised holiday shoppers watched and cheered. This morning, Carol and her attorneys informed us they intend to press charges.
On the lighter side, Columbia also strung up thousands of lights in the trees along College Walk. In had been suggested that the university also erect a nativity scene in front of Alma Mater. The administration, however, rejected this idea, stating that they did want to break tradition by allowing any wise men near Low Library.
Since the benad also does not wish to break tradition, we now form a self-replicating molecule of DNA, and, for the 2,754th consecutive show, play "I Hear You Knocking, But You Can't Come in.
[Play "Knocking."]
Following the example set by their counterparts at Brown, Columbia pre-meds have demanded that cyanide pills be placed on reserve in College Library. The pills, which must be returned after two hours to avoid heavy fines, will also be made available to Barnard students and Columbia women. It seems unlikely, however, that they will take the pills, since most of them refuse to swallow, anyway.
Columbia's pill policy will, however, differ from the one in affect at brown since, under Brown's flexible curriculum, their students would be able to commit suicide and still qualify for their degrees.
The Band now plays "Sweet Georgia Brown," and asks the penetrating question of whether, after grinding it out in the library and with the subject firmly in hand, you will all be able to achieve simultaneous Orgo in the morning.
[Play "Sweet Georgia Brown."]
Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
[march out to Stand Up & Cheer]